super cosy day, reading plans, and art
20.04.24
Haha. I went to change the date on the copy and pasted code from my last entry, turns out been an exact month since I last wrote in here.
I just wanna say that today has been the cosiest, cuddled up day ever and I am thriving. It's one of those days where the ocean blends with the sky, the mountains disappear from the horizon in the haze, and water lays thick on the road. Going to the shops, I watched the gutters rush and bubble in waves of white water, like mini rapids and all day has been wrapped in the comfort of a constant white noise on the roof from heavy sheets of rain. I've been drinking cup of tea after cup of tea, nested in a blanket with a book on hand and my hot-water bottle of a dog cuddled up somewhere by my side. I'm thinking of going back to reading soon, but at the moment music (inturepted by the occasional Health Department issued anti-vaping ad), coding, and even more tea will do nicely.
I was in a little bit of an odd spot with reading for a little bit, but I'm over it now. Not that was in a slump or anything, I had just started to re-read a fic and got sucked in. I could NOT put it down and it distracted me from my main book for those few days. I think because it's so much easier to read than LOTR (not that LOTR is particularly difficult to read, just defintly not as easy to sit down and read and read and read it if you catch my meaning) that I was inclined to somewhat neglect LOTR for a time. But I've gotten myself back down to LOTR now, and am almost finished (I think I have about 60 pages left). I won't be able to continue the trilogy afterwards as the vast majority of my books are all packed away at the moment. Luckily no amount of having to pack my stuff into boxes will keep me from buying more books, and I have plenty to read ready to go, as well as a libraries full of books on offer too. I've recently bought (in order), Dune (Frank Herbert), The Cruel Prince (Holly Black), some of Sappho's translated work, Anasi Boys (Neil Gaiman), and Payback's a Witch (Lana Harper) (which I have never heard of before but got it 2nd hand and thought I might as well give it a go). I've also got various books on my e-reader (as well as multiple extensive works of fanfiction) and a library vopy of A Far Wilder Magic (Allison Saft) - which I will be reading next. After that, I'm not sure what I'll go for, I suppose we'll just see what I am feeling like. Lucky I have a fair variety.
I think I was also in a slightly weird place with art for a bit too? I sorta just was taking on/starting a lot of artworks. I think maybe because the stuff I'm working on is taking a long long time and I was getting a bit restless? But anyway, the two biggest things I'm working on right now (and have been for a good few months) are both almost completed. Which is a relief, plus I love them both so I'm excited to have them done and post/share them. I've got another commission I recently took on, which the payment of kind of fell through but that's ok. The whole reason I was offering it for so cheap (like 7AUD) was because I wanted a particular game bundle on Steam that was 90% off. Because of currency difference, the person was unable to gift it to me which is a shame. They ended up getting me Nitro Basic instead, which is fine.
I recently posted my Pixal design on tumblr only because I hadn't posted any art in a while. GOOD LORD did that take off for what it is. It's not even properly lined by whooooo it's getting some attention. It's been really nice, having people see and enjoy my art like that again, the nice things they say in the notes are just so lovely to read. It's honestly making me more excited to post my yearly redraw :)
slow months, reading, and the state of this site
20.03.24
Hello... long time no see.
The past few months for me have been really slow. I have had literally nothing to do this whole year so far, except pack (which I'm pretty much finished). I'm not at school currently and I'm unemployed so yeah... very slow few months doing not a whole lot. It's definitely been making me pretty restless and even a little upset at myself. I suppose I've just been feeling a little guilty for not doing anything and just being at home all the time - and a little sad about the fact that I don't really see my friends very often at all. But I think that these are the kind of days that I have longed for many times before and will probably long for again when I start uni/a job/who knows what in the near future, so I just need to remind myself that it's ok to have this and that I should be enjoying it and using this time to work on myself. The days my idleness has turned to rotting, I have been able to pick myself up and forgive myself for it, which I think is such a great improvement from where I used to be at. I can't do anything about my situation at the moment, so I need to not be harsh on myself and just do what I can and make what I can of it. It'll pass and I'll soon be somewhere where I can shape my life a little more how I like.
I've been using this time to do a lot of reading, which I am enjoying greatly. I think I've read something like 9 or 10 books so far this year which is brilliant for me. Usually, 9 or 10 would be a likely yearly total, not the sum of almost 3 months. So I'm happy with that. I've really been able to fall back in love with reading and books. I've been able to pay for a lot of books with commission money, so that's great too and I don't have to rely on the ever dwindling savings of a teenager who has never had more than a one off job.
I think it's very fair to say that this site needs some work done on it. Aside from the pages that have been perpetually waiting to be coded, a lot of other long-standing pages need to be (almost completeky) redone. Unfortunately, the images I had hosted on a private discord server (for ease of convinience) had had their urls completely changed after a period of time so I have lost a lot of images I've put here. I've done a bit of patching up here and there but pages like Art and Diska Art Log , which took a major hit, will have to have all/most of the images re-put-in some time soon. Which I do not feel like doing at the moment, so I'll likely save it to do when I'm in the mood for coding.
Youtube Video Essay Etc. Collection
14.02.24 onward
Marine Biologist Breaks Down Shark Attack Scenes from Movies | GQ - GQ
Whales Evolved from THIS??? - Lindsay Nikole
The Insane Biology of: The Orca - Real Science
MEGALODON vs. LIVYATAN: The Ultimate Battle - Lindsay Nikole
Prehistoric "sharks" were f***ed up - Lindsay Nikole
how the witch became a feminist icon (and how it failed) - The Book Leo
a retrospective on teen dystopian books - The Book Leo
the new hunger games prequel is genius and here's why 🐍 ballad of songbirds and snakes review - The Book Leo
The Complete History of the Earth: Carboniferous Period - Paleo Analysis
the avatar: the last airbender live action show isn't out yet and it's already a mess... - The Clockwork Reader
Lego Batman's Subversive Qu33rcoding - The Sin Squad
The Queer History of The Lord of the Rings - Verilybitchie
deep cleaning, groceries, and generally how I'm doing
31.01.24
I'm deep cleaning my room at the moment and it's honestly... a lot more fun and rewarding than I thought. I'm only about halfway through so far but it's just. nice. My desk feels actually functional now and there's actually ROOM in my room what the hell. I can't rlly believe just how much shit I used to hoard, I did NOT know how to let go of things when they possibly provided maybe some potential use to me and I'm so glad to be past that. It's just rlly refreshing and satisfying to throw out or donate all that shit that had just been clogging up my space. It was SO much stuff good lord, and I'm not even done yet. I think through this, my room has lost a little bit of its mystical charm and whimsy (/hj) but it's honestly so worth it bc now it's an actual room. I can actually function in it properly now. I'm not yet sure how I am going to tackle the remaining spaces, as yeah, they have some stuff I can purge there but they also mainly consist of my collections (Lego and clown dolls mostly) so I'm not super sure how to declutter them. There is also a small handful of things from the first half of cleaning that haven't yet found a proper place in my room so I'm hoping to sort them out as I continue. Uhhh they are.. looks over to where they are sitting on the floor rn.. my comics, a single funko pop, and a figure. Idk. They'll work themselves out probably. I might share before and afters of my room when I'm done hm.
Being back to my house and no longer in the city, I'm just suddenly hit with, idk, the lack of convinence? No that's not rlly even it. Just the straight up lack of decent groceries plus the cost of living crisis. Prices stack up bad enough at Woolies and Coles, but they're still somewhat decent and you can get enough food for it. Here, it's quite rlly insane. There is barely ANY stock at the grocery store, like shelves are just straight up empty or don't have a whole lot. And the stock they DO have to sell is often straight up disgusting. Practically all the produce like veggies and fruit need to go in the BIN. But it's all they have to sell. Plus the price of everything has skyrocketed ridiculously. And our local grocery store has NEVER been known for it's cheap prices either, I can tell you that. So basically if you want food, everything is very out of date and/or double or more the price it should be. We have to travel hours to go to bigger grocery stores like Woolies just to get our food bc of it, which I don't mind rlly, but it'd be bloody nice if we didn't have to. Anyway, for that, and MANY other reasons, I can not tell you how desperate I am to get out of this wretched town.
I'm sort of in an odd place with my art right now. Not burnt out but not *not* burnt out. I'm working on a commission rn but other than that I just haven't had much motivation with my art? Not to do full pieces anyway. I've been sketching heaps as I always do but outside of that I'm, yeah, just not motivated to finish art, especially art for myself etc. It's alright though really, I'll just go steady like this for a bit and my spark for art will come back I'm sure. Ig these things happen in any creative field and you just have to ride them out, they will always pass. I think my state in my art is also pretty representitive of my general state also. Not burnt out but not *not* burnt out. Like I'm quite happy and comfortable in myself right now but I feel like there are things that are dragging that down a little bit (cough being stuck in this town cough cough not being able to practise religious freedom until I get my own place and am living indepentantly cough having to do year 11 in addition to full time TAFE study just to keep the department of education happy although I have no desire to do my senior years at highschool and this year is a perfectly reasonable year for a student to drop out cough can't get a job, again, bc of where I live cough cough). So I'm just kinda. yeah.
Gender wise, I've been very Girl recently. To the point where I sometimes think "oh maybe I am just a girl" but then i have to remind myself that no, the exact same thing happens with being very Boy for long periods of time and that is literally how ytou're gender works. Basically I'm always both a girl and a boy, but I go through LONG periods of time where I'm very solidly more one than the other (hence why I thought I was a trans man for what? 3 or so years?) and then sometimes theres periods of being more balanced out or maybe even identifying more so with my xenogenders. My sexuality also fluxes a lot with my gender. If I'm really Girl, I tend to be more romantically interested in women and wanting to be in a wlw relationship (hence why I thought I was a cis lesbian for about a year a while ago) and when I'm rlly Boy, I tend to be more romantically interested in men and wanting to be in a mlm relationship (hence why I thought I was a gay trans man for mentioned 3 or so years). But the attraction to the opposite gender to what I feel more like at the time never really goes away, much the same as how *being* the opposite gender of what I feel more like at the time never goes away. It's still there, just not dominant to put it one way.
:D
28.01.24
BACK TO MY PC HIIII
Hoping to get back to working and updating my site but I do also I a lot of things happening atm so we'll see!! Sooooo happy to be back on my pc tho it's so much better. Although I'll have to adjust to where the screen is now bc I moved it slightly to the right when I reorganised my desk.
notice
22.12.23
I'm going to be away for about a month maybe more so I won't have access to my pc and probably won't be able to do much w the site during that time! I'll maybe do little posts every now and again and put any art I do on here but its the pain in my ass to do on my art tablet so yeah
Happy holiday season/end of year ♥
quilts, Midsummer, and The Ballad of Song Birds and Snakes
22.12.23
My current big project I'm working on is crocheting the Tardis out of granny squares. I just made the pattern with pixel art and am making solid granny squares for each pixel. I've made 15 black squares so far and I have a couple hundred to do in total so... I have a bit to go. But it's fun, not stressful, and something for me to do so I don't mind the long process. I'm very almost out of black yarn so I went to get more just now and my local dollar shop (only place to get yarn) had like every fucking colour under the sun BUT black???????????? why?????? it wasn't even like it was sold out, they literally just aren't stocking it. what kinda fuck ass shop doesn't have black yarn. I'll have to find some out of town tomorrow because I have like, enough for two granny squares, three if I'm super super lucky. And mind you, these squares are NOT very big. They're literally two rounds of doubles/trebles. But anyway, I have white yarn now so I can do the white squares until I get more black yarn. I sent a pic of what I was working on to my grandma and she was like "why??? the fuck would you?? make?? a phone box??????" bless her
The pattern I made (thin lines in second image I'm going to stitch on with yarn after the squares are together):
It's currently Midsummer!!! So!! Happy!! Midsummer!! (or Yule if you are in the northern hemisphere). I am wanting to do more to celebrate but I'm not sure if I'll be able to at the moment :( I did however go on an overnight hike with my friend to celebrate! It was rlly fun even though it was raining and we we soaked all of the first day. We initially planned to do the full walk but had had enough by the second day so we bailed. But we still had a nice time the first day, just didn't want to walk another full day. We ended up walking 14km, four of which were on the beach. Although sand is rlly hard to walk on, the beach was my favourite part. It was gorgeous in the hazy rain and we didn't see anyone else excpet three surfers at the very start. HGDSHSGdsaddsjhf the ocean itself was this gorgeous gorgeous seafoam green/blue colour I associate with Lady Aphrodite (who I have recently devoted myself to!! I think I am yet to talk about that here). Within the first few minutes we already found two cicadas (Lord Apollo ♥) and two beautiful scallop shells (Lady Aphrodite ♥). I brought the shells home for Lady Aphrodite's altar and we left the cicadas in a bush of course. I did later find a cicada wing on the ground though, which I did bring home for Lord Apollo's altar. We also fpund this HUGGGEEE shell that was full of what looked like very much squid or octopus eggs! That was so fucking cool. We threw it out to the ocean so hopefully it found it's way back somewhere safe. Also saw some lovely black cockatoos up close just as I was sharing a local Dreaming story about black cockatoos. Overall was a lovely trip and I'm very thankful we eventually managed to get warm and dry.
I recently saw The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes!!! I originally wanted to read the book first, but didn't get time as it is about 500 pages. I'm honestly glad I didn't get to though, as I think the movie wouldn't have been as good of an expereince if I already knew what happens. We got tickets to see it in the fancy cinema as a treat, one where you can get dinner and drinks delivered to your seat. The pizza was fucking srumptious... I would love to ramble on about the movie but it would be nothing that my fav youtuber, Leonie Christel, hasn't said in this video. So you should so check it out because she lays it all out so so well. I'm a big fan of her deep-dives and well her content in general.
The day before, I saw Wonka with my sister and I can confirm it was silly and whimsical. I enjoyed it
Lloyd nitro era?? /silly
13.12.23
me and who (im either)
8.12.23
imagine standing emoji here
8.12.23
my headphones just snapped im gonna cryyyyyy 😭😭 i literally use these ever single day and they are a neccesity when i go out bc of my disability arrgrhhhhhhhvadadssagfd ive done the best i can to fix them but like, id rather theyre NOT snapped. Plus, the pressure they provide on my ears is like one of the main things that allows me to keep my shit together in public and not breakdown crying on the floor or whatever, and now its all just so wrong its not on there how it should be and its genuinely really upsetting. i was already feeling pretty shit too i did nawt need this rn, especially it being a massive safety item for me as an autistic person
OHHHHH MYYYYY GOOOODDDDDDDDD
6.12.23
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD
i made a thing.....
6.12.23
i sent it to neil gaiman i wonder if he'll respond
Alterhuman ID List until i find a new spot for it
4.12.23
Bead's ID list!
= Doubles pls interact!!
= ok
= i will very likely not interact with you at all sorry
Theriotypes ❧
- Canada Lynx
- Coastal/Sea wolf
Fiction kin ❧
- Movie!Lloyd Garmadon - The Lego Ninjago Movie
- Scorpius Malfoy - The Cursed Child
- Angelkin (specifically angel statue)
- Sal Fisher - Sally Face - fictkin/hearted
Other ❧
Questioning ❧
gauges
29.11.23
why the fuck is it SO HARD TO SIZE UP THIS TIME these guys have been in there for so long they're loose in their piercings to the point of me continuously losing them in the past bc THEY FELL OUT ALL THE TIMEEEEEE WHY WONT THEY SIZE UPPPPPP
formals, commissions, and kins
28.11.23
My sister visited last weekend, and although we didn't go out and do anything (not much to do around here anyway) we had a very nice time just doing whatever, although I do lowkey regret having a bit of a drink because i felt a bit off after that. But anyway, I had been worrying myself in circles about a school formal I am attending as a plus one because I did not have anything to wear like I thought and I had realised have no clue ow to shop for formal clothes. Thankfully my sister is... very well versed in online shopping and she helped me SO much. There was a rlly nice sort of grey-ish dress with gorgeous subtle patterns on it that I was really like but it was sold out 😭 but anyway, I found another dress I liked that was over half off because of Black Friday sales i assume and it's arriving on thursday so I'm very happy that worked out 😭 😭🙏. I'm a little worried the jewlery and sleeve thingys i ordered wont arrive in time though which will suck absolute balls if they dont bc they go with the dress perfectly and safjhgdsjfhds im quite nervous about that, but I have faith it will all work out 🙏
i know what veil i am going to wear on the night I'm just not certain how to wear it but i'll figure it out (it goes with the dress perfectly too). I also need to get new makeup and practice the makeup I'm going to do on the night... I'm a little nervous about that too but it's more managable than jewlery not arriving in time.
ALLSOOO I GOT MY FIRST PAID COMMISSION!! my friend was kind enough to commission me to help me figure out if the payment method works (WHICH IS DOES YIPPEE) so im very happy and grateful for that. Now I'll be able to open up comms super soon so thats promising!! once i have some more art examples, i'll open them!! i want to get them open for a bit before february while im on break plus theyll give me smth to do over the break
oohhhhh h hvdvdsdjsfc I kinfirmed TWO kins this week??!!! Barn owl i had been questioning for a long time but had put to the side until my wing, feather, and beak shifts started becoming more apparent recently. And movie!lloyd garmadon, well its weird bc i have known for a long long time that i see him as me and me as him but i only recently properly learnt what fiction kin is so it was like, putting a label to something I have been aware of for some time. I finally feel settled with all that now, theriotype wise at least. from my initial awakening, I just knew I had three theriotypes. I dont know how to explain but i just knew. my canada lynx type I knew from my awakening, then over a year later i finally nailed what i knew was my canine type as a coastal wolf, and recently finally nailed the final one! very happy to have that settled now LOL. I might look for some alterhuman tarot spreads to do if there are any? I am not one to usually do spreads (i usually just do my own shit) but i feel like if there are any alterhuman spreads online, they will be nice to do :) Im also trying to keep up regularity with divination and things like that as I feel like I am in a bit of a state of disarray with my spiriuality/worship (this was also clarified to me in a very elightening reading I did recently, amog other things) but I have figured out how to sort myself out so I am working on that. Honestly though, I don't think you can beat the feeling of a perfectly spot on tarot reading.
I am also thinking of reaching out to Lady Aphrodite, but I do not think I'm quite ready to yet. I have expressed to Her that this is so and it seems She is perfectly fine with this and that I should indeed find my way with Lord Apollo again before going into more worship with another deity. I am very excited to work with Her in future and I can already tell that being devoted to Her will be an amazing and positive expereince, as it has been with Lord Apollo
braces, schoolwork, and religious celebrations
23.11.23
Its the 4th day of having my new row of braces and i'm still adjusting. I took yesterday as a rest day and just lazed on the lounge all day beacuse my teeth are causing me that much pain. I'm feeling a lot better today and havent yet had to take any painkillers although eating is still extremely difficult and the slight of a headache is still present. I was however a bit ill this morning, feeling very nausous and getting as close to throwing up as you can without actually throwing anything up. I'm feeling better now and am back to wondering when I will get back on track with my school work.
The start of this term I was expecting to be accepted into my course any day now and would be free to abandon the most of my usual school work. But there's been a whole lot of annoying fuckery and now I'm not going to be starting until a couple of months into the new year. Which is frustrating especially when I was supposed to be finishing this course before the end of 2023. So now I'm just stuck in a weird spot of struggling to do even the bare minimum of my school work because I wasn't even expecting to have to be doing it at all and my brain is just like that. I'm really hoping to get on track with my work next year.
Speaking of months, Midsummer is soon!! It's a big event for me and I am looking forward to celebrating this year. It also marks the point to start counting down to the first Noumenia of the new year and I will be able to reset my year to fit the calender and properly celebrate certain festivals and sacred days. I'm still wrapping my head around the months and its a little overwhelming but also very exciting ^^ Having more regular connection to these festivals and sacred days is really going to strengthen my connection to my faith and to the Gods. I have been struggling with that a little bit recently as I have been dealing with a fair bit of racism and hate and it's just been very disheartening. I am hoping to be moving soon so I will be in a better environment but nothing is certain and well I'm just not sure. But I am capable of keeping going on with everything! Periods of time like these are perfectly normal and I'll get through it and be back to usual prayer soon. Perhaps if I actually finish painting my portrait of Lord Apollo I will be more motivated.
good omens tarot
20.11.23
HOLLLLYYYYYY FUCCCCKKKKKK LOOK AT THIS DECK AKJHFJSAFJHDGSAJHFGJHSAFDJHSAFJH
IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A NEW TAROT DECK BC U CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH ESPECICALLY AS SOMEONE WHO IS A DEVOTEE OF A GOD HIGHLY ASSOCIATED WITH DIVINATION. OHIUJFSJGHSDKJHFSD THESE R SO SO SO SO SO GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!! THEY RELEASE ON THE 28TH SO 8 DAYS!!! I'm def gonna get them holy fuck
I have been planning on opening commissions veryyyy soon, specifically for gift cards for the site that this deck will be on!! the second i have some more recent art examples, i am opening my commissions, so hopefully someone gets a comm thats at 40-60aud so i can get these!!!!! im so hyped omggggggiukjfdhgjDSljfgsajhgfjsdfsfd
frogs, braces, and scented things
20.11.23
Today was all rainy and it was so nice especially in comparison to the 40 degree days weve been having. I had to rescue a tree frog out of my mums umbrella which was very on theme
apart from getting a new row of braces on and having a breakdown in the chair bc the wire flicked out and jumpscared me, my day out of town was nice also. i have this thing where all my like moisturisers and soaps and whatever scented things are all grapefruit so i got more stuff like that uhh oh also a smaller thing of my perfume so i can take that in my bag with me. smelling nice just makes me feel pretty, also smells are one of my fav sensory stims. Olfactory stimming?? is that what its called?? i am also extremely fond of the hello kitty body spray and have worn it religiously the last few years. i recently really wanted to get the actual hello kitty perfume (rather than body spray) but its not availiable anywhere near me so that sucks balls. i rlly like my current perfume tho, its rose and peaches and uhhh like 2 or 3 other things. however if i could get a grapefruit perfume that would be amazing
ok now im going to have my 4th or so cup of tea for the day and finish a youtube video i started earlier XP
allowing my own direction with my time
19.11.23
I really enjoy being alone or at least able to organise my own time how i like. Its not just the "yippee no parental supervision" (altho that is part of it) but it makes me very happy and comfortable when i can structure my time completely how i like. Eat when and where I like while doing what i want, eat any time i like, do whatever i feel like doing where, when, and how ever i like, and just generally not having to abide by stricter routines. Maybe its a neurodivergent thing, being able to make myself comfortable and accomodate what I want and need, and maybe its also relief from strict parental guidlines, especially around eating. Probably both.
It's exciting to me to be able to eat how, what, and when, and where I like. It doesnt happen often and its so refreshing when i do get the chance. I grew up surrounded by a very rigid attitude around eating and a lot of shame comes out of having any food, now still. But having my own time and being able to dictate it how i please is, as ive said, just so pleasant and calming. It makes me excited for when i can get my own place and have things all the ways i like without having to cater to others or feel guilty for doing things the way that makes me comfortable and happy
i just finished good omens
18.11.23
SHITS INSANE
18.11.23
ill sleep soon i pormis
18.11.23
can't belive I was coding for like 12 hours straight today I meant to do it for 2 hours tops
...
trust that i will be thinking of this site up until the moment i loose lucidity /hj 17.11.23
gn
dude i hyperfocus of html coding so bad i should go to sleep soon.. istg whenever im like done all the things on my list to code, i just scrutinize my page until i think of smth new to add and work on. anyway i might go to sleep now (draw in bed) 17.11.23
Test sorta
i've been at this almost all day so far! Im having a shit tonne of fun and im so happy to finally get this up and working >:3 I feel like this is very on theme for my aim of moving away from paid streaming services and mainstream internet shit! anyway wlcome to bead dot fucking com /j 17.11.23